Being a doormat, at its roots, is the same as being the dirty boots.
One lays there and takes on All, while the other wipes off an ugly collection of experiences. Neither are balanced and both love from a deep place of pain, in a very selfish manner, out of control and self preservation. Underlying, in both, are similar wounds that cause a fictional story to rerun in their minds, with titles like: “You are not enough” or “You don’t matter” or “You can’t do anything right” or “You are insignificant” and “Prove your love” The titles might be slightly different, their circumstances of origin slightly different, but, the central moral of the story is always the same. It is those old, often used, yet, absolutely true words “You cannot fully love another unless you’ve truly loved yourself first”.
Now, these are merely my words, written out of observation, personal experience with self inquiry and via communication with others who have sought to shift into awareness of their truths. I am not, by any means a Psychotherapist. So, take my following words, if they resonate with you, and use them. If they don’t touch on anything into which you might want to look more deeply, page on to another article. Ultimately, we all find what we need, when we need it, anyhow, if we’re practicing self inquiry. And, the sources for introspective assistance are abundant. They will show up continually, once you open your mind, heart and eyes to them.
So how do you shift? How do you begin to get yourself off that doorstep or out of those dirty boots?
Practice Love. Don’t wish for it, play with it, or deny it. Choose to BE IT.
Make a conscious effort to choose to do every single thing, every single day, in Love, from Love. In all transactions, from the moment your eyes open, throughout your day and into your sleep at the end, ask: Was it all done in Love? Remember, this is a practice. We are human beings, incapable of attaining perfection. It’s not about looking back at our day to see where we went wrong as much it is to see where we could have loved more. Getting lost in thoughts of perfection is projection; it takes our focus off being Love in the present moment. Attainment and achievement is not the proper goal. There is no right or wrong. It’s simply a matter of acknowledging our choice to be Love, or not.
To begin practicing being Love, act lovingly to You. Imagine yourself the love of your life, the person you’ve waited for, your soul mate, with whom you want to share the remainder of your time, loving until the final sunset. Or the child you brought into this world to love and protect and nurture and let go into the world, as Love personified. Imagine yourself the recipient of such unconditional love until you reach the reality of it having always been there, within you. Release untruths…Stories written via perceptions and expectations…Scripts delivered to you from another’s lack of self-love. Look at the biography of You. Heal and love all the You’s in the history of You, beginning with being real, honest, raw and vulnerable with yourself. Go deep. Stay there awhile. Sit with whatever shows up and allow it. Make an appointment with a professional to guide you if you what you see concerns you. Do the work that will show you how to love you. This is how you begin to break the boot to doormat wiping and receiving cycle.
Then expand that healing love into the world. Do not own any other persons choice and consequence. Allow others their experience. Your only job is to act lovingly, not to actively participate in their unloving reactions and results. Step in and speak up when danger is present and ask and ask for help until protection and safety arrives, whether you are the doormat on the receiving end or the boots on the other side. Be honest with yourself and do what needs to be done. In general, stepping back, taking your hands off the controls and allowing others their right to own their experiences is Love in action.
Love yourself, your deep bottomless well of love, as if it were your child, enough to choose distance from anyone who might harm. Once in this space of love, your gut will discern for you, who to pull close for Love’s expansion and with whom to draw lines in the sand. You will appropriately set boundaries or you will walk and send love from far away. And sometimes, you will get off-balance. Something else will rise to the surface: a new person, an illness, a shift in circumstances or a past relationship will present for you to look at, work through, love and heal. In those moments, after having practiced love each day, you will Know and rightfully own, deeply into every cell of your being, the choice to be the pure and perfect source of Love that you always have been.
Then, you author your own love story.
Your true story.